ANAF: Relationships - A Day at the Beach? Archetype #3

Relationship Archetype #3: "I'm popular, but I don't have any friends."

Whom It Affects: Both sexes!

The Underlying Problem: These individuals have a major fear of commitment. They thrive on being the center of attention, but have a hard time opening up to people. They can be mistrustful of others, holding everyone at arm's length.

The Bottom Line: Nobody wants to be hurt. But if you don't take the risk, you won't be able to make those long-lasting, meaningful friendships (and relationships, too).

"Quick Fix": Take baby steps. If it's hard to open up, then start out with something within your comfort zone, like talking about your favorite animal as a kid, and then gradually up the ante to move outside your comfort zone. If you open up, other people are likely to as well. And remember, you don't need a boatload of "friends"... just a few really good ones (even one will do). The kind that'll always have your back.

Other Things To Gain From This:

• Actions speak louder than words. DO things for people - they will be more inclined to go out of their way for you.
  
• Take a GENUINE interest in others. Nobody likes to hang out with a person who is "the star of their own life". Ask interesting questions! My favorite is: "Who lies more, men or women?" You can find out tons about people with that one.
• Have a discerning eye. If you have a lot of "friends", take a look at the ones who seem to be genuinely nice people - not the ones who just flatter you. Chances are the people would would make good close friends are already there. YOU just have to pay attention to THEM instead of just the other way around.
  
• Address your trust issues. Get to the heart of the issue. It can be difficult and painful, but the sooner you do so, the sooner you will be on the way to a happier life.
  

ANAF: Relationships - A Day at the Beach? Archetype #2

Note: See this post about relationship advice, and this post for the first archetype.

Relationship Archetype #2: "If only my man was different, we could be happy."

Whom It Affects: A lot of women, myself included at one point. As far as I can tell, guys generally don't work really hard to try to change women. I could be wrong though. Maybe that'll be my next poll topic...

The Underlying Problem: These women are convinced that they can change anybody. They find fault in their mate and believe that "If he really loved me, he'd change." Guess what: that ain't gonna happen. If you don't like someone the way they are, or you'd like them better if they were different, then what's the point in sticking around? Let me tell you from personal experience: you will work too hard, and he will dig his heels in until you're both completely miserable.

The Bottom Line: It's a deadly combination of high standards and low self-esteem. These women are settling because they are unsure of ever finding someone better, and a lot of times, they don't think they deserve better. But why settle? Settling never leads to happiness.

"Quick Fix": You have two choices.

1. Move on! If you can find a mediocre guy who's kinda sorta what you want, then you can find a better guy who is exactly what you want. It make take longer, but let's put those high standards to good use, eh? It will pay off in the end.
   
2. Learn to love the guy you're with. Sure he's not perfect, but who is? Find positive ways to cope when he does things you don't like, and praise him when he does things you do like. Men aren't dumb - they will catch on eventually.
   

Other Things To Gain From This:

• If you ask yourself "Can I do better?" and the answer isn't immediate and/or isn't a no, then get outta there!
• You don't want to be in a relationship that involves conditional love. It sucks.
• Don't forget to give yourself confidence a boost every so often. A lot of people are used to worrying about/caring for others and don't spend adequate time on themselves. "Me Time" could range from getting a manicure to sitting down with a book (like this one) or even an outlandish impulse buy (like a personal fire truck) - anything that makes you feel good and revitalizes your energy.
  
• Remember, YOU deserve the best!

Next up: "I'm popular, but I don't have any friends."

ANAF: Relationships - A Day at the Beach? Archetype #1

For those of you just joining us, in my last post I wrote about common archetypes that plague relationships. This is the first one.

Relationship Archetype #1: "Once I find a man/woman, everything else will work itself out."

Whom It Affects: While this can affect both guys and girls, I have found that a lot of guys suffer from this one. More than I initially thought, anyway.

The Underlying Problem: These people, for the most part, have a lot of baggage. There are a lot of unaddressed issues here. First of all, this statement suggests that everything is not working out in his/her life. Second, it suggests that there is only one path to happiness - through a relationship. When these people get into relationships, all is not well! They haven't thought far ahead enough to realize the amount of work a relationship takes. So, they expect to have zero problems, and end up doubling up. Not fun for anyone.

The Bottom Line: Instead of having all their original problems dissolve when they enter a relationship, they get a whole slew of new ones. This happens because they view the relationship as a distraction from actually dealing with their own problems.

"Quick Fix"*: Deal with your issues! No amount of procrastination is going to improve your situation. Has it made you happy? Has it made you successful in relationships? I didn't think so - not in the long-term, anyway. Once you deal, you begin to decrease the giant list of items on your Personal Growth To-Do list. When you take care of you, then you can start thinking about taking care of somebody else.

Other Things To Gain From This:

• "Don't put all your eggs in one basket." A relationship can't be your only path to happiness. What if you break up? Then you're back to square one. Nobody should have to deal with that kind of rollercoaster. It's not worth your time. Branch out!
• Nothing beats a positive attitude. If things are rough, it doesn't do any good to dwell on those things - "Get over it!" as my mother would say. It may be difficult at first, but it will pay off. It may be as simple as writing a list of things you enjoy, or as crazy as taking a trip to San Diego to schedule an appointment at the Smash Shack. But once you change your attitude for the better, not only will you feel better, the change will be noticed by all, even potential dates!

Next up: "If only my man was different, we could be happy."


*Disclaimer: The term "Quick Fix" is in quotes because the remedies are quite often easier said than done. But, if the person in question is ready to move on and take the next step, it can be done.

Advice Nobody Asked For, Part 1: Relationships - A Day at the Beach?

Seeing the flick "He's Just Not That Into You", among other things, has prompted me to say some things about relationships.

Relationships, romantic or not, are a lot of work. I find that a lot of people, both men and women, don't realize this. For the ones that do, I find that most of them take it to the extreme and work so hard that they burn themselves out.

The idea here is to find a happy balance - to put in the work, but just enough so that you aren't bending over backwards. After talking with friends, classmates, coworkers, and family (plus a ton of reading!), I have found three recurring archetypes, hereafter referred to as the following statements:

1. "Once I find a man/woman, everything else will work itself out."
2. "If only my man was different, we could be happy."
3. "I'm popular, but I don't have any friends."
   

They represent very common issues inhibiting the pursuit of fulfilling relationships. In the next few subsequent posts, I will talk about these issues and their respective "Quick Fixes". In the meantime, for those of you who are interested in reading material related to this topic, I would recommend the following:

For men/women:
How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie (A classic that can be applied to nearly every aspect of one's life. I read this one in middle/high school and it's stuck with me.)

For women:
Why Men Love Bitches by Sherry Argoy (Argoy redefines the word "bitch" to describe a confident woman who does not sacrifice her dignity to get what she wants. If you like this title, try her "sequel": Why Men Marry Bitches.)
He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo (The original book. I've only read parts of this one, but it's good.)

I <3 one-liners

My sister is the queen of one-liners in my family. The two of us have biting senses of humor, and have always been fans of the great Henny Youngman, who has said such things as "Why don't you stick your head out the window... feet first?" and "If you ever need a friend, I'll go find one for you." While neither of us can match his wit, Henny Youngman has been a true inspiration. Occassionally, it shines through.

I remember sitting at the kitchen table with my sister and my parents discussing what type of car I should get. I had just gotten my license, and while I ultimately ended up with my mother's Dodge Caravan (a mom car, yuck!), we were speculating what kind of used car I could potentially get. I had been dreaming of a green Cabriolet convertible with tan top. My sister, also preferring VW, kept telling me to get a Golf. My mother, not having much interest in cars, just had fun listening to everyone's suggestions. And my father, having driven a white Mazda pickup for ages, had decided that a truck was absolutely the vehicle I must have.

"It'll be great!" he insisted. "You can drive it anywhere, and throw all kinds of stuff in the back." He's always had this dream to go offroading in the desert, and I think he secretly imagined doing that while driving his pickup to work. It still disappoints him that the rest of us don't understand the appeal. "You'll have the best fun!"

"Yeah!" my sister followed. "You can drive around with all your friend."

A Sweet Punchline

My sister and I were forced to wait in the car as my mother went to speak to one of our teachers after school. We sat in silence, looking out at the farmland across the road, and occassionally turning around to look through the rear window to see if my mother had returned yet. After a few moments, my sister turned to me and made an announcement.

"I know every word in the world!"

Now, being a whole seven years old, I could hardly believe that my sister, a mere kindergartener, could possibly know more than I did. I decided to test her.

"Oh yeah?" I said haughtily. "Then..." I frantically searched for the most difficult word I could think of. "...What does 'distinguish' mean?"

To my surprise, a grin appeared on her face, and she answered immediately. "Oh, that's an easy one! It means 'to put out a fire'!"

I have to give her credit for trying. She definitely got points in the laugh department.

My Family, the Tiny Anteater Mob

I come from a very opinionated, headstrong family. Most of us inherently believe that our opinions and advice are worth giving regardless of whether it has been requested. This is because a significant portion of the advice we give actually turns out to be good. This has sometimes proven to be quite infuriating, particularly during one's teenage years. Other times, it has given rise to some amusing moments.

Apart from the environments in which they were raised, I think this mindset has something to do with my parents' selected field. Studying art trained them to have impeccable design sense and hone already sharp eyes. They imparted this knowledge to my sister and me when we were very young - by the age of four I had already learned how to pick out my own clothes, employing color theory and the do’s and don’ts of fashion. My parents proudly remember that day: I would run into my room, select garments from my drawers, put them on, and run into my parents’ room to show off my outfit. “No, Puggle, that plaid red jumper doesn’t go with your purple and black striped tights.” So I would run back to my room and keep picking out clothes until I got it right.

In elementary school, I took these lessons with me. When a friend challenged my fashion sense on the playground, I spent all of recess arguing that analogous colors like red and purple could, in fact, be appropriate to wear in a single outfit.

In high school, there was Spirit Week. Wednesday was Clash Day, so, being an exuberantly obnoxious teenager, I took the opportunity to return to my roots: stripes, paisley, plaid, anything I could get my hands on. As I crashed down the stairs, I met my parents at the bottom. As my dad looked me over, his face quickly contorted into a look of utter dismay.

“WHAT are you wearing?!” he cried.

“It’s Clash Day, I’m supposed to wear mismatched clothes. Problem?” I asked innocently. My mother, who knew it was Spirit Week, wore a silent smirk as we waited to see how he would react.

“OK,” he said authoritatively. “There is good clashing, and bad clashing. THAT… is BAD clashing. Let me show you what GOOD clashing is.”

The smile dropped from my face as my mother and I watched him climb the stairs to my room. I indignantly mouthed the words “BAD clashing? GOOD clashing?” as she rolled her eyes and mercifully smiled at me. After what seemed a lifetime, he returned, holding up some of my clothes.

“THIS is GOOD clashing,” he announced, triumphantly.

I laughed in disbelief. “…They match!”

But he had somehow managed to select clothes that matched and clashed at the same time. The patterns were different, but faint enough that they were overshadowed by the matching color scheme. I never would have thought to put those two things together, but it totally worked. I was horrified.

“I can’t wear that!” I insisted. It definitely wasn’t enough over the top. After all, this was Clash Day, not Tasteful Contrast Day. But my father was unrelenting.

“You CANNOT go out of the house looking like that! Get changed! Wear this!” he said, eyes wide as he shook the hangers in front of me.

My disbelief turned into disgust. There was just no changing his mind. I angrily yanked the hangers out of his hand and stomped off to the bathroom. When I finished, I opened the door and was surprised to find my mother standing right there, looking over her shoulder as though she was a mob informant about to rat out her associates, making sure she hadn’t been followed or seen. In her hands, she held a plastic bag. She finally turned to me and motioned for me to put the clashy clothes I had rolled up inside. “You can change at school,” she whispered, smiling.



After incidents like this, I would always resolve to NEVER offer unwanted opinions because I found it so irritating. But I confess that , like many, I have become that which I so loathed as a teenager. I, too, suffer from this plight that afflicts my entire family.

So the goal of this blog is twofold. I am writing not only to recount some of the fond memories of my family, but also, and perhaps more importantly, because I wanted to create an outlet for me in the hopes that the advice and opinions I provide are perhaps useful to people who need it.


(Photo source - niteseeker's photostream on Flickr - craige, clash day)